How can we clear our mental storm clouds?

Over the past few weeks there have been a lot of wet, windy, grey days in Sydney and I admit that my mood takes a battering in this sort of weather. Then, if things happen that make me feel sad and angry and helpless, it becomes more likely that a spiral of negative thinking will develop. 

I suspect I’m not alone in this, so I want to share some ideas that I’ve found useful when the mental storm clouds roll in. 

I believe there are 3 options:

a)      Continue to ruminate
b)      Distract yourself
OR
c)      Compassionately evaluate

Let’s have a quick look at each option.

Rumination - When we ruminate, we let ourselves dwell on the thoughts and we think long and hard about what we could do better next time and how we might be able to fix things.   We fiercely criticise ourselves and our negative emotions of sadness, anger, embarrassment only grow.  Sometimes self-criticism can spur us to action but it’s hard work emotionally. Our wellbeing is likely to suffer.

Distract yourself - Distraction can definitely work for a while to help us cope with negative thoughts.  We can busy ourselves with activity, give ourselves a treat and redirect ourselves to look at pretty shiny things in the way we might distract a screaming child.  The problem with distraction is that it’s a short term fix and avoids any emotional processing of the situation.

Compassionately evaluate – This option is about showing kindness and acceptance towards yourself. The aim of self-compassion is to evaluate our feelings and thoughts in a non-judgemental way and recognise that they are normal and in fact experienced by many in our community.  There are 3 key elements to self-compassion

1. Being kind to yourself – seeking to understand not to punish yourself.
2. Recognising your humanity – everyone goes through this
3. Mindfulness – try neither to ignore, nor exaggerate your negative feelings

Which option sounds right for you?

I vote for option C! 

For a quick fix distraction works well – but longer term simply distracting yourself to avoid negative thoughts doesn’t give you the wellbeing returns.  In contrast a good dose of self-compassion is going to help you in both the short term and the longer term.

Research has shown that deliberately building self-compassion leads to higher levels of life satisfaction and wisdom.  It also helps to broaden your outlook and make it more likely that you will consider various options and reach out to those around you in difficult times.  Rumination makes us feel more isolated and likely to withdraw into ourselves just when we need other people the most.

If this makes sense to you and you’d like some guidance on developing self-compassion; we’d love to send you an exercise to test out.  Send us an email at coaching@flourishingmothers.com.au and we’ll get the exercise to you asap.

With love from Flourishing Mothers

Flourishing Mothers was inspired by the work of Dr Kristen Neff, Natasha Odou and Jay Brinker

'Tis the season to be kind!

We recently met Jodie Cooper, who along with 2 other Illawarra Mums, has founded the Kindness Crew.  The Kindness Crew are all about promoting acts of kindness with a goal to make the world a better place.  Jodie’s passion for her cause is infectious and it got us thinking about the benefits of kindness.

Kindness is one of the most researched areas of Positive Psychology and the evidence is very clear that kind deeds do more than simply help the person on the receiving end.  Helping someone else is a great thing of itself, but if you are boosting your own wellbeing at the same time........  well, that becomes a compelling reason to look for opportunities for extra kindness

How does kindness increase wellbeing?

It seems that regularly performing acts of kindness can positively change both the way you see yourself and the way in which you perceive those you are helping.  You are less likely to feel critical of someone’s situation if you choose to help them, and you may also start to see yourself as a compassionate person overall.  In addition:

• Helping others gives you an opportunity to notice your own abilities and resources, leading to an increase in your confidence and self-esteem.
• Knowing that you have been kind to others in the past makes it easier to accept help when you might need it.
• Your act of kindness can kickstart a flow of kind acts and there are studies that show that watching others be kind is a big mood booster in itself.  (this is why videos of kind acts regularly go viral on Youtube!)
• Neuroscience has revealed that both serotonin and oxytocin are released in our brains when we carry out acts of kindness.  These hormones make you feel good and have been shown to have ongoing health benefits.

So where to start?

We encourage you to download the Kindness Crew Advent Calendar which you’ll find on their website: http://www.kindnesscrew.com.au/ and here are some other quick acts of kindness you could consider.

• Say hi to the woman standing alone at school pick-up time
• Grab a parking ticket for the person who parked next to you and is still getting out of the car (this happened to me the other day and this little gesture put a big smile on my face).
• Bring in your neighbour’s bin while you’re bringing in your own

We really hope that adding some extra kindness to the festive season becomes a lovely wellbeing boost for you and your family.

With best wishes from Kate and Deb

PS.  If you’re keen to spread extra kindness we’d love you to share this article with your friends!  

Hi there, how are you?

Are you fine?

We all greet each other numerous times a week and quickly ask “how are you?”  “Oh Hi, I’m fine, how are you?” is often the response.  But are you actually the dictionary definition of “fine”?  Is your day satisfactory and pleasing?

Or are you a bit closer to this definition of “fine” from the 2003 action movie The Italian Job?  The lead character points out to his mate just before the big heist that everyone knows that F.I.N.E stands for........

• Freaked out
• Insecure
• Neurotic
• Emotional

It’s ok, we all have those days, and unfortunately we often try to hide it with a smile and a wave.  I first saw this movie about 10 years ago when my first baby was pretty young, and the hidden meaning of fine really resonated with me.  I know that sometimes I’ve told people I’m fine when I was feeling anything but calm and happy, but I thought I just had to get on with my day.

However, when we’re not honest with the people around us, we limit the ways in which relationships can boost our well-being.  We miss out on the chance to get to know other people better by sharing our experiences.  We miss the opportunity to allow a friend to be kind to us and then for us to express our gratitude.  These simple things are potent mood boosters and deepen relationships at the same time.

I think we worry that it’s opening a can of worms to admit how we’re really feeling, but the friend who cares enough to ask how we’re doing in the first place is going to be interested in the truth, and willing to offer support.  And, very importantly, when we’re brave enough to admit that things aren’t perfect, it can make it a lot easier for our friends to open up about how they’re feeling too.

So Mums, some days you’ll say you’re fine and you absolutely are (hooray!), but on the days when you’re F.I.N.E. please remember that you’re not alone.  Reach out to someone close to you, visit your favourite café with the chatty owner, or wander to the park to see who else is out and about in your neighbourhood.  If you’re open to social connection there are lots of opportunities to boost your well-being

Best wishes from Flourishing Mothers

PS.  If you are feeling F.I.N.E. too often and you’re finding it hard to reach out, please do consider speaking with a professional.  We’d be happy to chat with you about whether Coaching would be helpful for you or you could start with a chat with your GP.