Hi there, how are you?

Are you fine?

We all greet each other numerous times a week and quickly ask “how are you?”  “Oh Hi, I’m fine, how are you?” is often the response.  But are you actually the dictionary definition of “fine”?  Is your day satisfactory and pleasing?

Or are you a bit closer to this definition of “fine” from the 2003 action movie The Italian Job?  The lead character points out to his mate just before the big heist that everyone knows that F.I.N.E stands for........

• Freaked out
• Insecure
• Neurotic
• Emotional

It’s ok, we all have those days, and unfortunately we often try to hide it with a smile and a wave.  I first saw this movie about 10 years ago when my first baby was pretty young, and the hidden meaning of fine really resonated with me.  I know that sometimes I’ve told people I’m fine when I was feeling anything but calm and happy, but I thought I just had to get on with my day.

However, when we’re not honest with the people around us, we limit the ways in which relationships can boost our well-being.  We miss out on the chance to get to know other people better by sharing our experiences.  We miss the opportunity to allow a friend to be kind to us and then for us to express our gratitude.  These simple things are potent mood boosters and deepen relationships at the same time.

I think we worry that it’s opening a can of worms to admit how we’re really feeling, but the friend who cares enough to ask how we’re doing in the first place is going to be interested in the truth, and willing to offer support.  And, very importantly, when we’re brave enough to admit that things aren’t perfect, it can make it a lot easier for our friends to open up about how they’re feeling too.

So Mums, some days you’ll say you’re fine and you absolutely are (hooray!), but on the days when you’re F.I.N.E. please remember that you’re not alone.  Reach out to someone close to you, visit your favourite café with the chatty owner, or wander to the park to see who else is out and about in your neighbourhood.  If you’re open to social connection there are lots of opportunities to boost your well-being

Best wishes from Flourishing Mothers

PS.  If you are feeling F.I.N.E. too often and you’re finding it hard to reach out, please do consider speaking with a professional.  We’d be happy to chat with you about whether Coaching would be helpful for you or you could start with a chat with your GP. 

The wheels have fallen off, I'm spinning out of control!

Does this sound like you? Do you feel like you are too busy, wear too many hats, juggle too many balls, spin too many wheels? Some days do you find yourself putting on the wrong hat, dropping the balls, and watching your wheels fall off?

Fundamentally we are trying to do too much. We’re mums, we’re capable, we can have it all and do it all!

Right?

Wrong!

In trying to do everything, we’re not doing anything properly, we’re not enjoying what we are doing because we’re too busy stressing about what’s next. We multitask ourselves into a state of exhaustion that we’re too busy to do anything about! What then to do? You know deep down you need to prioritise…. you just don’t know how. What stays? What goes? And how do you work it out?

We see plenty of mums like this at Flourishing Mothers. We help them examine the various domains of their lives. For mums this often includes running the house, work, time with family or friends, “me” time, health and community. We ask mums to reflect on the level of importance of each domain. Then we ask them to think about how satisfied they are with these domains. Often, there are significant gaps between importance and satisfaction in one or several areas of life.

For example, your relationship with your husband might be enormously important, but you haven’t had a date night for a year. You absolutely know that “you” time is critical to your mental health and happiness; you are a much kinder, calmer and happier mum when you do your weekly yoga class –  but you haven’t been for weeks. You might carry on the tradition of Sunday lunch with your entire tribe of parents, siblings and cousins, but actually, you’d rather be going for a walk with your best friend.

This kind of exploration can help you to see the wood from the trees and start the process of taking back control. Quite simply, when you streamline your life by doing the stuff that’s important to you, your wellbeing soars.

Here’s a process you could use to take back the reins in your own life:

1. Write down your key life domains (you can use the list above or the diagram for inspiration)
2. Rate the importance of each domain on a scale of 1-10
3. Rate the satisfaction you have with each domain on a scale of 1-10
4. Analyse. Are there one or two areas which have a big disconnect?
5. Select one or two domains to start with. Brainstorm how you can take small steps to close the gap.

A bit of a recalibration can go a long way. You may find you don’t need to juggle so many balls, wear so many hats, spin so many wheels. You are a human being, not a human doing! So DO less to BE more!

With love, from Flourishing Mothers

To work or not to work?............What are you really looking for?

Is it ever just a simple question for Mums?

Across the community, very few decisions are ever made in a complete vacuum, but the decisions that Mums make about how to structure their lives may be the most complex of all!  We tend to ponder at length how to meet the practical, financial, emotional and social needs of our families and ourselves and what role work will play. 

The risk is that your wellbeing suffers in trying to find the perfect solution.

Imagine this.....

You receive a phone call from an old workmate telling you about a great new position that’s been created at her company.  She’s even already told the Directors about you and they’re really interested to meet!

You’re probably pretty flattered and interested, but then the mental cogs start turning.......

• Ok, I’ll have to work out the netball car pool again........
• I wonder if leaving early on a Thursday would work......
• I wasn’t really planning on changing anything till next year.....
• But it sounds like a fantastic opportunity.........

Whether you’re currently working or not, the decision making process is inevitably going to have a lot of variables in addition to standard job search thoughts about the company, the location, the duties and the salary.

What are you really looking for?

Decisions are easier to make if you have a good grasp on what’s most important to you.  One area to consider when thinking about work, is the nature of your personal work orientation.  Research in this area of positive psychology has identified the three distinct work orientations of Job, Career or Calling. 

Are you looking for a Job? – You want to work mostly to fulfil practical needs.  These needs might be financial but could also be social.  You’re not overly passionate about work activities, and for the most part, your life outside of work is more important to you than your work.

Are you craving a Career? – You enjoy your work but are definitely thinking about the next step up the ladder or opportunity to take on more responsibilities. 

Are you hearing a Calling? – Your work gives you a lot of meaning and fits well with your values.  You feel a strong sense of pride in what you do and believe it makes the world a better place.  You want to spend as much time as possible on your work.

What description fits you best? 

The right thing at the right time!

Now here’s the thing – as a mum there’s no right or wrong work orientation!   But being able to identify what you want at a specific stage in your life can definitely help you make good decisions about opportunities that come up.  Feeling a sense of meaning boosts wellbeing but that meaning can come from various aspects of our lives at different times.

What do you think?  What are you looking for in work right now? Please leave a comment!

Best wishes,

Flourishing Mothers

Inspired and adapted from the work of Amy Wrzesniewski