What is Coaching and what would you gain from it?

Much of our human interaction: chats over coffee, long phone calls, walk and talks, is focussed on the happenings of our lives and quite often a good old vent about the issues.  This can be a key element of our closest friendships but Coaching is something a bit different.  Coaching is a directed conversation about positive personal change and the steps to get there.

Now you might be thinking: “yeah, yeah, I chat about changes I’d like to make all the time….”  However, the conversation between Coach and Client puts the focus 100% on the Client.  100% on assisting you to make progress towards goals which are personally meaningful to you.

Please think about the difference that this type of focus makes.  Your Coach will listen intently to you - without distraction from their kids or their phone, and without trying to tell you about what is going on in their own life.  Your Coach will concentrate on creating an environment where you feel comfortable to open up about your thoughts and dreams for the future.

Dare to dream

In a Coaching session you can experiment with ideas and voice thoughts of change that are still fuzzy but you’re keen to flesh out.  Your Coach can help you unpack the ideas and work out whether they are what you want to move forward with.  Coaching is all about seeking solutions rather than long discussions of the problems.  Once you outline your goals Coaching is about developing a range of possible options and helping you to choose the best path for you at the current time. 

You can wave a magic wand during a Coaching session and conjure up whatever positive future you want.  Once you’ve created a vision of what you want to accomplish your Coach will help you map out a plan and determine concrete actions that feel realistic to you. 

Your Coach is there to support you – to be excited when you are thrilled about something and to offer support and motivation when you hit a roadblock.

At Flourishing Mothers, we believe passionately in the power of Coaching to boost wellbeing and guide positive action.  Our Masters level University training in the fields of Positive Psychology and Coaching Psychology allows your Coach to offer ideas and interventions based on the best available knowledge from the latest scientific research and practice.  Your Coach is aligned to professional Coaching associations and has a duty of care for professional and ethical conduct and undergoes continuing education.

We know you deserve Coaching and if you would like to find out more please contact us for a free chat.

With our best wishes

Flourishing Mothers

Important: Some mothers may have mental health issues that make Coaching inappropriate or not in their current best interest.  We are not psychologists not psychiatrists, however we have the training to help understand the signs and symptoms and can support these mothers in finding the right professional help.

Negative thoughts are OK! And not necessarily a problem.....

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”

— Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Mums are experts in negative thoughts. We judge ourselves harshly (“I’m a useless mum if I need to ask for help”), make comparisons with other mums (“my bestie always has a spotless house, why can’t I even tidy up?”), put up our own obstacles (“I’m too busy to get my hair cut”), and even make predictions about the future (“my kids will never eat broccoli”).

First of all, relax. Having negative thoughts is perfectly normal and part of being human.  Happy people have negative thoughts. Zen masters have negative thoughts! No amount of “positive thinking”, brushing them under the rug, or affirmation-reciting will ever eradicate them. And they are so much part of us sometimes we aren’t even aware of them.

Negative thoughts are not harmful in themselves, but they can generate powerful emotions and influence our behaviour.  For example, if your thought is that you are a less than fantastic mum, then you may feel sad or despairing. These emotions can sap your energy and your ability to put strategies into place to improve things. Your thought could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But here’s the good news. Thoughts are not necessarily facts. They are just words and pictures in our heads.

So, what to do?

First of all, catch yourself with your negative thought (“I’m always late”) and ask yourself; is it accurate? a fact? Then try to find past evidence to the contrary (“actually, 3 times last week I got out of the house before 9am”). Or, maybe the answer is not black and white, more a shade of grey. Stop the harsh self-judgement and replace your negative thought with something more realistic (“when I’m rested I cope much better”).

And what if your negative thoughts are facts?

Then the question to ask yourself is: is this thought useful or helpful to me? The strategy here is to defuse the emotions the thought produces, better allowing you to gain perspective and find solutions. Distance yourself from the thought. Rather than “I’m useless”, change this to “I’m having the thought that I’m useless”. Or, reduce the power of the thought on your emotions.  If you sing ”I’m a useless mum” to the tune of Happy Birthday enough times, it will soon sound ridiculous and help you detach from the grip the thought has over you.

Negative thoughts are not themselves problematic – they only are if we believe them, act on them, and they prevent us from pursuing our activities and goals, or being who we want to be. The more you practise these techniques the better you will become at handling them next time.

Adapted by Flourishing Mothers from the work of A. Beck, S. Hayes and R.Harris

Optimism - it's going to be good for us!

This week, I took my daughters to see the new Pixar film, Inside Out.  The character of Joy in the film is relentlessly cheerful, and positive that a quick injection of happiness will fix all problems.  She embodies optimism – a strong expectation that good things will be plentiful in the future and bad things scarce.

Optimism can be observed, and developed, in the way in which we explain the causes of negative events in our lives.  For example, we can decide that a problem is a temporary setback (rather than an ongoing disaster) and that its causes are specific to the situation (and therefore unlikely to recur). 

Rather than immediately heaping blame on ourselves for every issue, we can decide that things happened due to circumstances, bad luck or other people.  These are the defining characteristics of an optimistic thinker.

Imagine that you reach across the table now and somehow knock over a cup of tea…..  Which of the following responses is more likely to jump into your mind?

Arrrggghhhh!  I’m always sooooo clumsy!  I can’t do anything without making a mess!  There goes my good mood for the day!

OR

Arrrggghhh!  What a shocker!  How on earth did that happen?  Too much stuff on the table!  Ok, clean it up, move on…..

Both responses acknowledge that the spilt tea is a negative event but the level of optimism in each response differs strongly.  The second response firmly places the problem as temporary and doesn’t leap to self-blame.  It also keeps the event specific to the time and circumstances rather than having wider impact.

As Mums, negative things happen, and sadly they can be worse than a spilt cup of tea. However, learning to think more optimistically can definitely help to maintain wellbeing and build resilience.  Research has linked higher levels of optimism to a reduced incidence of depression and anxiety and to overall better physical health.  For example, a recent study from the University of Illinois focused on cardiovascular health and found that individuals with higher levels of optimism were twice as likely to be in ideal cardiovascular health, as compared to more pessimistic people. 

The next time that something goes wrong please notice your response and see whether there are ways in which you can guide your thinking in the direction of optimism.

best wishes from Flourishing Mothers

Adapted by Flourishing Mothers from the work of Carver & Scheier and Seligman