3 solutions for mums to feel capable, in control and connected

As much as being a mum is the most important and rewarding job in the world for many of us, we can often feel our lives are “out of whack”. We can feel unbalanced, stressed or uninspired with the things we need to do. Even when we are successfully ticking off our to-do lists, we can feel de-energised or unmotivated.

Research over many decades and cultures has shown that all of us have 3 core needs which provide us with motivation to carry out our activities, pursue our goals, and keep us psychologically healthy. According to the “Theory of Self-Determination”, these are:

1. Competence - feeling capable in what we choose to do
2. Autonomy - A feeling of control over our lives
3. Relatedness – needing to connect with others

Often, if something is not right in your life, it is that one of these 3 things are out of step.

Take competence, for instance. Mums often feel unsure about our parenting skills. Just as we feel like we have mastered the baby stage, they grow into toddlers. You might be confused about your child’s mystery stomach pains, or what the rules are for the iPad they got for Christmas. Fortunately, there are so many sources of information out there for us extend our knowledge and foster our confidence through books, blogs, parenting courses and our mummy networks. Then we can celebrate our new-found capabilities and how far we have come!

To autonomy. As mums, there are many things we feel we HAVE to do, making us feel like our lives are not our own. But we can determine WHEN or HOW jobs are done. Or, we can relate the uninspiring task to the bigger picture of our lives. Rather than WHAT you are doing, consider WHY you are doing it. Cleaning the house might be your least favourite pastime, but if you like the sense of calm and order in the house that follows, then you can choose to focus on that good feeling to motivate you to scrub the bath!

Lastly, relatedness. Being a mum in the early days, months and years can feel isolating, our romantic relationships can suffer and we have less time to connect with friends. At Flourishing Mothers, we would suggest prioritising your relationships, since they are such a fundamental part of being human! Give your partner a hug, go to your playgroup, go for a walk with a girlfriend and get that babysitter (your baby will survive). You’ll feel so much better!

So, as you go about your daily life, ask yourself if any of these 3 needs are out of balance for you. Then coach yourself by brainstorming how might you then go about feeling more capable, in control and connected!

Adapted by Flourishing Mothers from the work of E. Deci & R. Ryan.

The positive power of hope

I hope I’m not late for work today, I hope I’ll complete the fun run, I hope my child’s cold improves, I hope I can keep to this healthy diet……..

Hoping for the best can be seen as a pretty passive activity.  Today, we at Flourishing Mothers, want to reposition hope as a strong force for achievement of your goals.  Hope can be a tool to get us through the crazy busy days, and the frustratingly slow dragging days, because simply setting goals is not enough. 

Positive Psychology defines hope as “goal directed thinking” in which you recognise both the different ways in which you can achieve your goals and believe that you have the motivation to confidently try those different routes.  It’s about identifying different strategies and being ready to learn along the way for continued growth and improvement.

Over many years, hope has been shown to be measurable, and scientifically proven to lead to positive outcomes and future success.  High levels of hope also seem to predict higher levels of well-being.

What is exciting is that the research shows that hope is not a genetic trait but something that can be learned – so we can all benefit!

Mums – we want to encourage you to harness hope to move you towards your goals.  Here are some ways you can increase your level of hope:

• Initially choose goals you know you can achieve – then celebrate your success.
• When faced with a big project, break it down into achievable chunks and track your progress as you go.
• Engage in activities you feel good about to increase your feelings of competency.  Look for ways to use those activities to achieve other goals.
• Don’t lose hope – if something isn’t going well, look for a different pathway to try, and keep taking small steps.

Finally, the fact that hope is a learned behaviour means that it’s a great thing to demonstrate to our kids and encourage them right from the start to look for different ways to achieve a task and to be motivated to try and learn.

Best wishes from Flourishing Mothers

Adapted by Flourishing Mothers from the work of Charles R. Synder. 

Positive Psychology inoculations for our physical health!

We all know that regular exercise, eating healthily, getting enough sleep and not smoking are important for our physical health. But is our health just physical?

Increasingly many of us relate to the link between mind and body. The World Health Organisation now acknowledges that health is not just the absence of illness, but is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing.

What does the research say?

We have good psychological health when we regularly experience positive emotions, are satisfied with our lives, have good social support and feel optimistic about the future.

In studies, scientists have found people with good psychological health are better protected from the common cold, have stronger immune systems and their cardiovascular system recovers more quickly after stressful events. They have even found that people with good life satisfaction and an optimistic outlook actually live longer and die less of other illnesses throughout life.

Over the longer term what tends to happen is that being able to think and feel in more positive ways also helps us to behave in more positive ways (such as getting exercise, better nutrition and sleep).  Our positive behaviours can then become sustainable habits and lead to long term lifestyle change.

How can I get this vaccine?

The long and the short of it is that working on enjoying your life and relationships, and fostering an optimistic outlook will in the end make you mentally AND physically more healthy!

Here are some ideas for what you can do today to boost your overall health tomorrow:

• Grab a girlfriend and have a laugh
• Go to a meditation course – get hubby to babysit (Mindfulness also boosts your brain and immune function)
• Brainstorm some solutions for a problem you’ve been stuck on for a while
• Write down 3 good things that happen to you each day in a pretty journal (perhaps a Mothers Day gift from your kids?)
• Do a kind thing for someone else – look after someone’s child after school if their mum has a migraine.

Hopefully this blog helps you feel less guilty investing time in YOU, reminding yourself that by inoculating yourself to boost your mental health, you will also give your physical health a shot in the arm!

Best wishes from Flourishing Mothers

Adapted from the work of Nansook Park and Carmello Vazquez