"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"?

….. A bit dramatic, but I bet there’s times when all of us can relate to it! This blog is about how we can face up to the inevitable challenges and stresses of motherhood. What we need is an injection of “Mental Toughness”.

In Positive Psychology, Mental Toughness is not about being hard-edged, unflappable or perpetually strong. Rather, it’s about turning stress into something less threatening, to see it as more of a challenge and even an opportunity to grow. When we are Mentally Tough, we can emerge from tough times without losing confidence. We can reduce our anxiety, continue our activities and even enhance our wellbeing.

The good news is that Mental Toughness, though partially hereditary, can be developed.

A useful model looks at the Mental Toughness qualities we need in times of stress:

• Challenge.  Our drive when we are faced with challenges. Do we embrace them or avoid them?
• Control. Our “can do” attitude and our conviction that we can shape our lives and manage our emotions
• Commitment. Our “stickibility”; that we still keep our promises to others or ourselves when things get tough
• Confidence. Our self-belief remains intact despite setbacks

How mentally tough do we need to be?

We don’t need to shoot the lights out with our Mental Toughness! We only need to have enough to cope, and help us be the best that we can be in stressful situations.

So here are some ideas for increasing your Mental Toughness:

Your drive: think “If they can do it, so can I” (this one is particularly helpful for childbirth!). Try stretching yourself in another area of your life – learn a new skill, do a MOOC.  Accept that stress is inevitable.

Your “can do” attitude: spend your time and energy on things you can control. Think about what you want to happen, then make baby steps towards it. Have emergency strategies for when you lose the plot – deep breathing, venting to your mum.

Your stickibility: visualise the best possible outcome from a tough situation. Stop doing things that aren’t important. Think of the big picture – will this matter in 5 years? Find the meaning in your life – not least of which that you are leaving the legacy of another human being on this planet!

Your self-belief: be OK about learning from mistakes, seek support from friends and family.  Do things that you are good at and enjoy (use your strengths). Ask yourself “what went well?” at the end of the day.

Stress is normal in life and in motherhood. So, if we can face up to and even embrace challenges, stick to our promises, believe in ourselves and our ability to control ourselves and our situation, then we are well on the way to be Mentally Tough enough. Then it won’t kill us, and it will make us stronger!

best wishes from Flourishing Mothers

Adapted and inspired by the work of Peter Clough and AQR.

Negative thoughts are OK! And not necessarily a problem.....

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”

— Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Mums are experts in negative thoughts. We judge ourselves harshly (“I’m a useless mum if I need to ask for help”), make comparisons with other mums (“my bestie always has a spotless house, why can’t I even tidy up?”), put up our own obstacles (“I’m too busy to get my hair cut”), and even make predictions about the future (“my kids will never eat broccoli”).

First of all, relax. Having negative thoughts is perfectly normal and part of being human.  Happy people have negative thoughts. Zen masters have negative thoughts! No amount of “positive thinking”, brushing them under the rug, or affirmation-reciting will ever eradicate them. And they are so much part of us sometimes we aren’t even aware of them.

Negative thoughts are not harmful in themselves, but they can generate powerful emotions and influence our behaviour.  For example, if your thought is that you are a less than fantastic mum, then you may feel sad or despairing. These emotions can sap your energy and your ability to put strategies into place to improve things. Your thought could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But here’s the good news. Thoughts are not necessarily facts. They are just words and pictures in our heads.

So, what to do?

First of all, catch yourself with your negative thought (“I’m always late”) and ask yourself; is it accurate? a fact? Then try to find past evidence to the contrary (“actually, 3 times last week I got out of the house before 9am”). Or, maybe the answer is not black and white, more a shade of grey. Stop the harsh self-judgement and replace your negative thought with something more realistic (“when I’m rested I cope much better”).

And what if your negative thoughts are facts?

Then the question to ask yourself is: is this thought useful or helpful to me? The strategy here is to defuse the emotions the thought produces, better allowing you to gain perspective and find solutions. Distance yourself from the thought. Rather than “I’m useless”, change this to “I’m having the thought that I’m useless”. Or, reduce the power of the thought on your emotions.  If you sing ”I’m a useless mum” to the tune of Happy Birthday enough times, it will soon sound ridiculous and help you detach from the grip the thought has over you.

Negative thoughts are not themselves problematic – they only are if we believe them, act on them, and they prevent us from pursuing our activities and goals, or being who we want to be. The more you practise these techniques the better you will become at handling them next time.

Adapted by Flourishing Mothers from the work of A. Beck, S. Hayes and R.Harris

3 solutions for mums to feel capable, in control and connected

As much as being a mum is the most important and rewarding job in the world for many of us, we can often feel our lives are “out of whack”. We can feel unbalanced, stressed or uninspired with the things we need to do. Even when we are successfully ticking off our to-do lists, we can feel de-energised or unmotivated.

Research over many decades and cultures has shown that all of us have 3 core needs which provide us with motivation to carry out our activities, pursue our goals, and keep us psychologically healthy. According to the “Theory of Self-Determination”, these are:

1. Competence - feeling capable in what we choose to do
2. Autonomy - A feeling of control over our lives
3. Relatedness – needing to connect with others

Often, if something is not right in your life, it is that one of these 3 things are out of step.

Take competence, for instance. Mums often feel unsure about our parenting skills. Just as we feel like we have mastered the baby stage, they grow into toddlers. You might be confused about your child’s mystery stomach pains, or what the rules are for the iPad they got for Christmas. Fortunately, there are so many sources of information out there for us extend our knowledge and foster our confidence through books, blogs, parenting courses and our mummy networks. Then we can celebrate our new-found capabilities and how far we have come!

To autonomy. As mums, there are many things we feel we HAVE to do, making us feel like our lives are not our own. But we can determine WHEN or HOW jobs are done. Or, we can relate the uninspiring task to the bigger picture of our lives. Rather than WHAT you are doing, consider WHY you are doing it. Cleaning the house might be your least favourite pastime, but if you like the sense of calm and order in the house that follows, then you can choose to focus on that good feeling to motivate you to scrub the bath!

Lastly, relatedness. Being a mum in the early days, months and years can feel isolating, our romantic relationships can suffer and we have less time to connect with friends. At Flourishing Mothers, we would suggest prioritising your relationships, since they are such a fundamental part of being human! Give your partner a hug, go to your playgroup, go for a walk with a girlfriend and get that babysitter (your baby will survive). You’ll feel so much better!

So, as you go about your daily life, ask yourself if any of these 3 needs are out of balance for you. Then coach yourself by brainstorming how might you then go about feeling more capable, in control and connected!

Adapted by Flourishing Mothers from the work of E. Deci & R. Ryan.